The Veil of Trauma

How healing from years of trauma sparked my creativity.

For 37 years, I struggled with trauma. It was like a veil covering my brain and clouding my cognition.

One day last October, I sought help and received hope from Jesus, my therapist, my immediate family, and a few dedicated friends. Hope turned to freedom as the veil lifted, and my brain could take its first few sips of air in years.

I became more aware of my surroundings, how my body reacted to the environment, and my feelings. Bessel A. van der Kolk says in his book The Body Keeps the Score,

We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about but also our very capacity to think.¹

For years, my capacity to think was stunted—the minutest problems became overwhelming life puzzles I had to solve. I lived in a state of disassociation, a shadow of myself struggling to survive. When I think about how the Lord led me safely to healing, I think about Psalm 139:17-18 (NLT), “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!”

As I began to reconcile my past, the present became easier to deal with. No longer was I living in flashbacks and using my pain as the driving force in everything that I did—even good things like love, compassion, and kindness were fueled by my pain. As I settled into life by abiding in Christ and consistent therapy, my pain ceased to be in the driver’s seat and was replaced by my genuine God-given personality. Van der Kolk says,

Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a Self that is confident, curious, and calm, a Self that has been sheltered from destruction by the various protectors that have emerged in their efforts to foster survival. Once those protectors trust that it is safe to separate, the Self will spontaneously emerge, and the parts can be enlisted in the healing process.²

Now, I feel like I am “spontaneously emerging.” Even though I’ve been in seminary for three years, I think my intellectual brain has been given a new life. I’m ready to create, explore, and feel more deeply than ever.

Eileen Dombo and Christine Anlauf Sabatino wrote a Journal article about their research on trauma in children called The Impact of Trauma on Learning: PTSD,  ADHD, and SPED; they discovered,

Trauma triggers can lead to a dissociative state, which means that the child is not fully present in the current moment, but brought back to a previous unsafe time. Triggers can bring about flashbacks, which are vivid memories that can feel as if they are currently happening. When a child is in a dissociative or flashback state, the child’s behavior can be confusing to others, and the child is unable to tune into what is happening in the moment. In this state, the child is not ready to absorb any new information.³

I remember struggling like this in school throughout my childhood. I was called “stupid” by my peers, and many of my teachers thought I was not bright. I carried this throughout my adulthood; I’d struggle through college, pursuing a theatre degree because that was “all I was good at.” Though I received good grades during seminary, I found it extremely difficult to be creative; I met the rubric, and my writing lacked courage.

I have been given a precious gift: the rebirth of my brain's intellectuality and creativity. I have been inspired by other writers who think outside the box on all subjects, particularly the Bible and literature, and how they teach the soul lessons about God, life, and love.

This is why I created this newsletter: to learn from you, reader. For now, I have left my comments section open to all who want to contribute to helping me as I challenge my brain creatively and intellectually. After my last seminary class in six weeks, I will dive into various books and interact with them. I hope to hear from you, and I hope we can learn from each other.

Welcome to Literary Christian Meatloaf.

1. Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma, UK, Penguin Books, 2015, 45.

2. Ibid, 413.

3. Eileen A. Dombo, and Christine Anlauf Sabatino, 'The Impact of Trauma on Learning: PTSD,  ADHD, and SPED'’ Creating Trauma-Informed Schools: A Guide for School Social Workers and Educators, SSWAA Workshop Series, New York, 2019; online edn, Oxford Academic, 2019, 25, https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190873806.003.0003, accessed 28 Mar. 2024.