On Reading Very Poorly

Confessions of a former Amishlore reader.

I confess I used to be an avid reader of Christian Amishlore. You may know the type: Amish romance novels mixed with Christianity, where a young Amish couple’s dilemma is their rumspringa and whether they should flee Amish life, stay, or become Mennonites. I read dozens of these books and dozens more Christian romance novels, devouring story after story about Jacob and Johanna’s lovelorn days on a farm in Lancaster, PA, and nary a book that would truly challenge me crossed my path.

It began in 1995 with the Left Behind Series when I discovered that Christian fiction writing was a genre. What good evangelical teenager didn’t read that series? It was the BEST. It taught me all the eschatology I ever needed to know (heh). By ninth grade, I had skipped the Mandy and Christy series phase and went straight into Janette Oke's soft romance novels (I still have a soft spot in my heart for a good Janette Oke read).

In high school, I enjoyed reading classics and modern literature, but I read to consume, not learn. I annotated books and wrote moving essays highlighting the symbolism in the novel because it was a requirement. I certainly was not going to allow any book other than the Bible (and the Left Behind series) to inform my morality and spirituality!

By the time I was married, I was into hardcore Christian Romance. The kind that is lightly erotic, where the man treats the woman poorly, but he’s so burly, handsome and fierce and such a strong provider that the woman falls in love with him anyway. Those books made me feel dissatisfied with my marriage. Instead of flannels and making a living chopping wood, my husband wore t-shirts and lightly tapped the computer keyboard, coding. I began to resent that instead of making every moment romantic and passionate, my husband pecked me on the lips and said, “I love you.” 

While I want to be careful not to disregard an entire genre of writing that authors have made a living at, I also want to point out that books in this genre have not served Christian women well. I believe that they have given many women unrealistic expectations of love and have perpetuated the narrative that women can save men from their bad behavior and mistreatment of them. And that, somehow, makes a good partnership. I distinctly remember my final Christian romance book. I closed it quickly when it made me blush because, to put it lightly, it constantly referenced the man and woman’s uncontrollable urges and desire for one another. I’m not a prude, but I didn’t expect those references to be in every chapter and as descriptive as they were in a Christian book. My marriage survived the Amishlore Christian romance novel days, and now we joke how “[We ] Really don’t mind being this comfortable.”¹

When my husband and I served in Belize, we lived in a remote location where media was minimal. I committed to reading Jane Austen's complete works on a whim. After a year of working through her books, I patted myself on the back for being so cultured. I never thought about what I could learn from them. I wanted to escape, and I did. Regrettably, I read Jane Austin and all other classic literature like Christian romance—just consuming.

Besides the required reading from our mission board, I would never read or finish a nonfiction book until I was in my forties. They did not serve me. Nonfiction made me think too much, and I did not want to consider myself or my life—I wanted to live in the façade I carefully built for my mind.

Ironically, a non-fiction book set me on the path to reading well. Two and a half years into my graduate studies, I listened to Beth Moore’s riveting and touching book, All My Knotted Up Life², which uncovered something I had buried deep inside me. The journey I’ve been on for more than a year began with reading Moore’s book and then continued with absorbing and reflecting on the material from the multiple graduate-level classes on trauma that I was taking. The past year has been deep and dark, painful and sorrowful, but now it is transitioning to light and hopeful. 

Not long ago, just before I began this newsletter and was stepping into the light, God wanted to do growth work in my life that I initially resisted. The Holy Spirit convicted me, and I could not ignore Him. I thought, “This, too, must change,” and change they did. I gave up my Facebook page, which I had grown for seven years, and resolved to be more thoughtful of my writing and reading. Then I read an article asking, “Can reading fiction be inner work?” It was an interview with

Karen Swallow Prior

on “reading well.” She said, 

“When we’re reading literary fiction, “we’re using the same parts of our brain that we have to use when we’re interacting with real people—like having a conversation with someone—and we’re trying to interpret what they’re saying, what they mean, what the outcome of this conversation is going to be. So, it replicates our real life. What we read matters.”³

It is important to note here what sustained trauma and neglect do to the brain; when you read the research that I talk about in this post, you will understand why a person who has experienced trauma from childhood may find it difficult to engage with books in the way Karen talks about in the above quote.

I had never heard anyone discuss literature like Karen did in the interview, and it made an impression on me. I commented as much on her Facebook post, and she recommended I read her book On Reading Well.⁴ I was inspired to begin a Substack newsletter about my journey. The only thing standing in my way was my last semester of graduate school. I could not engage in classic novels then, so I put the “Teach Me” series on hold and wrote about other things.  

The Book On Reading Well: Finding the Good Life Through Great Books, is a delight. While I expected it to be well-written and filled with things to learn, Prior’s approach pleasantly surprised me. She states in her introduction that some of what she writes comes from class lectures, so I expected the book to be more cerebral and less engaging. That is far from true. The entire book is enchanting. She uses classic and modern literature as examples to explain virtues like temperance, love, and patience from a literary and biblical perspective. The way she weaves Christianity through the virtues is expertly done—not heavy-handed or preachy. Her synopses of the books she uses as examples of each virtue are lovely and reveal her passion for literature. It is good work (Prior discusses the value of the word “good” in her book).

Prior is a teacher to her core. She demonstrates this well throughout the book by defining words and ideas and bringing them to life—this is her superpower. Often, I’d have questions while reading, which would subsequently be answered in the next paragraph. This desire for her audience to understand the material allows the reader to settle in and enjoy the book while simultaneously learning. I walked away with a richer understanding of what I should pay attention to when I read. This is a gift to my thirsty mind. 

Now, dear reader, It’s time for me to start reading classic literature. I am beginning with Resurrection (The Awakening) by Leo Tolstoy. I calculate it will take me about a month to do a slow and intentional read. Then I will write a newsletter on it. I’m calling it the “Teach Me” series. I will write my thoughts on the book, and then I’m asking you, who are lovers of classics, authors, teachers, or people who want to read it with me, to chime in with your thoughts and teach me about what I read or engage with what I wrote. I want to learn from you. I want you to share your opinion on what I get wrong and right. I want to have honest conversations and listen to your thoughts. So…teach me!

In closing, you may have read between the lines and noted sad elements in my story. It is indeed sad. I’m learning to sit with the truth of what is, feel it, and acknowledge it. I hope you also see God’s grace in my life. I think of the verse, “I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day, the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and I sing his songs each night, praying to God who gives me life (Ps.42:7-8 NLT).”

The sad days are very sad, but now I feel His love, sing His songs, and recognize that He has given me a new life, and it is very good.

Extra Sauce

• Next week, I’ll share some thoughts on the TV series Schitt’s Creek.

• Ten days from now, I will release my new series for paid subscribers called “Missionarylore” (I’m on a roll). Each newsletter will be voice-recorded and tell a story about my adventures in Belize and, later, Mexico. I’ll give details in the next newsletter. I will tell you that our time in Belize was a great adventure and a nightmare. If you like memoir-style reading, this one is for you.

• In the first week of July, I will write about Resurrection by Tolstoy. Please let me know if you have read it or will read it with me.

  

1. “Fleming & John – Comfortable.” Genius. Accessed June 3, 2024. https://genius.com/Fleming-and-john-comfortable-lyrics.

2. Moore, Beth. All My Knotted-up Life: A Memoir. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale Momentum, a Tyndale nonfiction imprint, 2023.

3. Herr, Meryl. “Can Reading Fiction Be Inner Work?” De Pree Center. Last modified May 2, 2024. Accessed June 3, 2024. https://depree.org/de-pree-journal/can-reading-fiction-be-inner-work/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR31LqQ-aPqYuCBPOivA11mZwPEnPDHtY5NBHGYYfFNyDLDCj3zI3BkZAnk_aem_AcykRKOkXMed6c9LMVgaG--zFMdzwsq9HTBMhxq8qgL9gntk57SCmnYoAL2VNY4vsFU2aTP0FJMamTPoauUqf2aD.

4. Prior, Karen Swallow. On Reading Well: Finding the Good Life through Great Books. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2022.