Here’s To Wading Instead of Sinking.

God has called and equipped you to do what you are doing, even though the process to get there can be frustrating.

I tried to craft a couple of newsletters that I thought would have some creative substance, but my mind is mush. So I decided just to write. I am in the thick of drinking from the fire hydrant. In fact, my clinical instructor told us after a particularly difficult section of training, “Are you guys navigating the ‘creek’ okay?” I responded, “Navigating the creek? I’m having trouble drinking from the fire hydrant. In fact, the waters knocked me down and formed an ocean, and I’m drowning. The coast guard needs to come to rescue me!” You can always count on me to be dramatic, but it was good for a laugh and eased the tension in the room. I imagine some of you have been in learning situations where you have felt the same.

Pictured is me, excited, nervous, anxious, terrified, and happy all at the same time!

I chose this Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program because of its dedicated focus to decedent care. I want to learn how to help people process their thoughts about their own death and to support their family members in grieving and processing in a way that is helpful to them. To do that, I thought it would be useful to understand what happens behind the scenes in the hospital leading up to a death and after someone has died. The chaplains at our hospital are in charge of the morgue (not all hospitals operate this way). There is more paperwork and phone calls than I initially thought, and I do feel the weight of the responsibility for the loved ones and the person who has died, to treat that process with respect and do my best. This is good.

What’s not so healthy is that I want to be perfect the first time. Impossible. I’m not a fast learner. I never have been. I need things repeated at least seven times before I get it right. I told a friend, “I hoped maybe I’d be some kind of chaplain prodigy, but I’m actually not. I’m just a regular person trying to learn how to do the job.” Chuckle. Most of us aren’t prodigies, are we? We are just trying to do our best. In the past couple of days, I’ve been able to center myself better, and yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry on my way home because of the weight of it. Now I’m sure there are many crying sessions to come, but I hope I’m over the self-deprecation hump, because that’s just not healthy or helpful. I have a list of things to discuss with my therapist now, which is the process, right? I’m discovering those emotions that I need more support with.

I had two encounters with patients yesterday, and those visits reminded me why I chose this profession and why God called me to it. I love people, and I enjoy helping them process their feelings. They can bring anything they want to the table, and I will hold it with them for a little while. Friends, that is why God has called and equipped you to do what you are doing, even though the process to get there can be frustrating. You are good at what you do. It’s okay to say that. Perhaps you feel like me, and right now, you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean, drowning, and the coast guard is racing to your aid. Even though you may feel helpless, those moments are teachers. We learn about ourselves and what our boundaries are, we learn about God and how He sustains us during times of trouble, and we learn about our emotions and how we might need more support than we anticipated. I’ve learned that these are good things, not setbacks—things to be considered and not pushed down.

Here’s to wading instead of sinking.